Seriously, though.

If you haven’t caught the story of Sean Goldman’s international abduction, it’s worth looking up and reading. The short(er) version is that Bruna Goldman, Sean’s mother, took Sean on a vacation to visit her family in Brazil when the boy was just four years of age. Upon arriving, Bruna phoned her husband David and informed him the marriage was over and that Sean would not be returning to the United States. He was to be held hostage unless David signed over his rights to Sean. What followed was a five and a half year international legal battle over custody of the child.

After drooling over the film’s trailers for the months it was in the theater, my wife and I finally rented 500 Days of Summer with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel.

Simen Johan.

As I am now a father and accompanied my wife through all her stages of childbirth, we invariably came into contact with what are now nontraditional methods of labor. Proponents of homebirth, in particular, would immediately suggest we see The Business of Being Born and, ironically, were usually found engaging in some type of baby-related business selling baby slings, wraps, homeopathic teething tablets or the like.

My sainted alcoholic neighbor, after pulling his drug-addled son out of the car in the middle of the street and beating his face in a few times, has decided to embark on the miraculous and magical journey to the land of sobriety.

Any woman in the throes of pregnancy will be happy to point out that during this miraculous forty weeks, their hair gets much thicker, more luxurious, and grows more quickly than ever before. Pregnancy books always include this little morsel of information for first time moms looking for a bright spot amidst the ten month sea of vomit and back pain.

We’ve all said horrible things about him, we’ve all made biting jokes and even more biting criticisms. Some of them were warranted, given his “eccentric nature”, some of them were just shy of being permanent nails in his proverbial coffin. At various times Michael Jackson has been The Pedophile, The Freak, The Baby Dangler, The Germophobe.